Talk about it and look after yourself
Grief is appropriate when something precious has been lost. Don’t expect to get over it quickly. Grief is painful and exhausting but you can come through it. Give yourself permission to grieve and allow yourself time and space to adapt.

Don't bury it
Be honest with yourself about your pain. Stifled grief does not heal. Sometimes we push bad feelings down inside us because we are afraid we will be overwhelmed by them if we allow them to surface. At other times we are afraid to share our real feelings with others as we fear that they will be uncomfortable with our emotions or they may be judgemental and critical towards us. When grief is not expressed it goes underground and it affects our behaviour in all sorts of different ways. It’s like having a wound which is not cleaned out properly and is bandaged over. It gets infected and then causes fever and pain throughout the body.

Talk about it
Choose a safe place to allow the anger, the guilt and all the emotional turmoil to surface. Talk to people close to you who you can trust to be supportive and reliable. You need people who will listen and just be there without trying to give advice or tell you how you should be feeling and behaving.

Parents can be put in touch with other parents who have been through termination for abnormality by contacting www.arc-uk.org . Some hospitals offer a "Birth Afterthoughts" or "Birth Reflections" service where you can talk in confidence to a midwife about what has happened. You may prefer to contact a professional counselling service through your General Practitioner. You can find a list of qualified therapists in your area through the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapist’s (www.bacp.co.uk). Some churches provide pastoral care and counselling in order to communicate love and inner healing. The kindness and sensitivity of others at this difficult time is vital to help you to work through your grief.

Care for yourself
Grief is exhausting and it demands a huge amount of emotional energy. Make space for yourself to rest and sleep. Relaxation tapes and meditation exercises may be helpful. Eat well and get some gentle exercise. Learn to delegate and accept help with practical tasks when necessary. You may be surprised by constant tiredness and unexpected emotional outbursts. It is normal to burst into tears over something quite trivial or even for no apparent reason. Poor sleep, weight loss or weight gain, hopelessness, irritability and physical aches and pains are all normal feelings in the early stages of grief but they can also be signs of depression. (For further information about depression see www.depressionalliance.org) If you experience suicidal thoughts or if you feel that there is no improvement after many months then it is best to see your general practitioner for further advice

If you would like to email our bereavement counsellor with any queries please do email midwifecounsellor@googlemail.com

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