We quite frequently insist on making our small children say that they are sorry when they hit or bite another child or behave aggressively towards us.

Children need boundaries and they need to know that hitting and biting and being aggressive towards others is not allowed. However a child under the age of about two and a half does not have the ability to understand, reason fully and has not yet developed an internalized conscience. So making him/her say ‘I’m sorry’ or punishing her for her misbehaviour by time out will have no long term effect on a two year-old. It just teaches them the words that they have to say to get back to playing.

Toddlers under two years also do not have highly developed social or language skills. It is because of their lack of verbal ability and social skills that they often become aggressive hitting and biting etc. to express their frustration and anger.

The best approach is to:

• Remove the child from the scene of aggression
• Redirect the child’s attention to something else
• Watch out for triggers and try to avoid them by distraction techniques
• Try being firm and telling the child that hitting and biting hurts and is not allowed
• Notice and praise the child every time he/she is behaving appropriately
• Spend some time alone with your child during the day playing or reading a story. This will build good relationships with your child and play and stories also help children deal with problems and fears they experience in their lives.

This approach will have much more of an impact then scolding, time-out and insisting upon an apology.

Frances Byatt-Smith RN RHV BA Psychology

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