Fighting between siblings is normal child behaviour. Some Infants fight more than others but they will all fight on occasions. While they are fighting they are learning conflict management and how to get along with each other in a safe way. They are learning valuable social skills for the future. While this is normal parents can help to keep the fighting from outright war by some careful planning.

• Be fair and try not to take sides. There are several ways of perfecting this art. If the Infants are fighting over a toy and it is getting out of hand it is a good idea to remain calm, confiscate the toy and tell them in a calm voice that they can have it back as soon as they decide what they are going to do about sharing it. Some parents use a timer once the agreement is reached and that usually works well.
• Another way of reducing fighting with older pre school children and improve problem solving is to sit down with both children and give the following list of questions to them one at a time. Where did it happen, what happened, what did you do, what did the Infants do, how did you feel, how did the sibling feel. Then ask them to come up with some suggestions for the next time this happens. You will have to adapt this idea to suit their level but many parents find that having this structure in their head helps them to keep calm and prevents them from accusing one or other and getting it wrong.
• Give your children the respect they deserve by listening to them and talking things out with them. Try not to criticize and compare them to Infants or other children. Apply discipline through consequences and not smacking.
• Acknowledge their feelings and that its ok to be angry but not ok to kick or hit their sibling and that it is best to talk things out rather than acting them out.
• Pay less attention to the fighting and don’t rush in immediately to sort things out. They may find their own way to do this if you wait. Of course you will have to intervene if there is danger
• Catch them being good and give praise, hugs and cuddles.
• Make sure you give them good examples of how to solve conflict with your partner, friends and members of your family, for further advice contact your local Health Visitor or GP.

Frances Byatt-Smith RN RHV BA (Hons) Psychology

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